I wake up every day after 8am.
I wake up when my girls wake up.
Usually after they do actually.
I love my sleep.
I nurse my coffee for hours.
I should probably drink way more water.
Lately I’ve been feeling some nagging guilt in my head that maybe there are some things that I should be doing differently.
Gee, I don’t know any women who has ever thought this way!
However, I’m starting to realize more and more – especially since I get so burnt out – that I do A LOT for my family. The guilt, the confessions are really kind of pointless.
My husband is our main income. He works full time at a physically demanding job from 8-6 Monday through Friday.
I am home with the girls. I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, playing, and refereeing! Not to mention what I do for my Coaching practice. I’m writing right now while the girls are napping. I have 2 girls, Adelynn will be in Kindergarten in the fall and Felicity just hit 18 months old. I have my hands full! I think a lot of why I’m feeling this way is because I’m dying for some time to hear myself think… and I’m not just talking about my 2hr break while they’re sleeping or watching a movie.
My counselor told me one time that the battle I’m in right now is the same from both ends. “You’re either mad at yourself for putting your kids in daycare and working full time, or you’re mad at yourself for not working and being a stay-at-home mom.”
So the guilt game is really up to me.
Natural Peace is not (yet) a full time gig. It’s up to me and my clients when and where and thankfully that’s very flexible. However… for the better part of 2 weeks I’ve been having dreams about working, full time, part time, something!
I think it’s more about just wanting to be around people…. adults? I don’t know.
And then I have to remind myself… be careful what you wish for.
They are only young once. They are only babies once. They are only snuggling and giggling and playing and imagining once. This too shall pass.
Work on the other hand… feeling guilty that I’m not contributing an extra $75 a week from a part time retail gig, or that I’m tired and want to sleep until 9 (or God forbid – 10am!), these feelings are all optional. And… they’re kind of useless.
I confess that I love my children. I confess that I get a little anxious that I’m not out in the world more, I confess that I’m confused about which way to go sometimes.
Today I was on the phone with my mom… confessing this stuff. I think we got to the right insight though because I said it to her, and I feel it now… I’m just being told to sit still. Words that are hard for me to hear sometimes. It’s not the time to move right now. It’s not time to go to work or to give a Ted Talk or to take on 20 new clients. It’s time to just chill out for a bit. It’s time to laugh when I see Felicity pretend cooking with Adelynn and pouring fake coffee into my mug (they know what momma needs!). It’s time to just enjoy them being little and be so appreciative that we can live this lifestyle happily. I’m a Capricorn, born during “the week of determination”! Oy… that is sometimes a curse.
I’m not suggesting I put myself on the back burner. I think that I, like most people, am trying way too damn hard to make things happen. I think that I need to be a little kinder to myself and stop forcing some kind of uncomfortable outcome. I think that things are this way right now for a really good reason. Most important, I think that if I can just sit still for a minute and accept this lifestyle, it will lead to incredible changes.
I ALSO think that maybe I need to go on Groupon and book that 60 minute massage…
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, or a working mom… my heart goes out to you. We are doing some of the hardest work on the planet. We are shaping little humans… and it’s not easy all the time. I don’t think there is a mom on this earth that hasn’t had guilt in her head and been knocked to her knees in confusion and self doubt.
We are all in this thing together.
Go grab a bottle of wine and we’ll just sit and watch our babies grow.
This too shall pass.