Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. I was lying in bed trying to relax but my mind just wouldn’t shut down. I kept thinking about the book I’m reading in my studio that was waiting for me, thinking I could get myself to calm down by reading for a bit.
At 12:04 am I got up and put on a pot of water for tea, got some chamomile tea and honey ready and wandered into my studio.
I haven’t been able to fall asleep at night for a few days. My sleep has been restless, dreams are weird, my mind full.
I brought my tea out to the studio and instead of picking up my book, I went to a drawer in my desk and pulled out an old journal, from almost exactly 3 years ago. For whatever reason I began reading the journal and began to get a bit upset.
The entries in the journal could have been written yesterday. The things I was experiencing three years ago were almost identical issues that I am experiencing now. I read through the dreams that I was writing down, most of them stressful and uncomfortable or confusing. I read entries begging for help… looking for clarity and guidance. I went through several months of entries and read a lot of the same. I finally closed up the journal because I couldn’t stand the thought that those issues had carried over into the past 3 years.
I sat at my desk and stared off… my mind racing.
On a whim I decided now was just as good a time as any to do a Tarot reading for myself. I pull my own cards every few weeks. When I pull them I usually try to detach as much as possible, sometimes I’ll voice record the reading, or write it down in my journal then read back over. They make more sense to me this way.
What came up in my cards was incredible and so perfect for what I had just realized after reading these old journal entries.
I won’t get into too much detail about all of my cards, but what the reading was telling me was that I was ending a major chapter of my life. The main card in the center of the reading was in fact the Death card. Death is a fascinating card because it talks about conclusion. It says that there are things in our life that we are finally ready to move on from. It’s saying that one door is being closed and it’s time to move forward and push into the new chapter.
When I saw this card I felt such incredible relief. After reading those entries and realizing that a lot of the same issues are still evident in my life, I just felt so depleted. I wanted to be further along in life. I wanted those problems to be done, to be over. I want to get the lesson and grow.
Then I looked at my belief card, and that was incredibly reassuring. The belief card talked all about acceptance and growth. The Wheel of Fortune card is what I pulled and that card says more or less that everything is happening just the way it is supposed to. It says that there is incredible power and evolution and that even though I was irritated after reading those entries that this is a part of life. I have a great quote written down on my studio door from Dr. Wayne Dyer that says – “Life gives exams, like algebra. If you don’t pass the exam, you have to retake it.”
I haven’t passed the exam yet, but I understand that now. I also understand that what I’m learning through my own struggles is a huge part of what I will someday be able to offer the world, to help others with. I’m learning. The Wheel of Fortune is all about moving forward, learning, understanding, going with the flow of life and accepting that you are where you are for a damn good reason!
At the end of the reading I pulled a conclusion card for myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy to see the card that was pulled. The Tower.
Now normally the Tower is a card that gets people a little nervous… but after what I had seen in my reading, it covered me in reassurance and complete understanding.
The Tower is a card that talks about major change, upheaval, revelation and insight. Perfect.
It summed up everything I was feeling at the end of my reading. As I sat in my studio at 12:45 am I realized that it is HIGH time for some major changes.
I realized that there have been patterns in my life that I continue to live over and over and over and they are not the kind of patterns I want to keep living. But like Wayne Dyer says… if you don’t get the lesson, you have to retake the test. I decided in the wee hours of the morning that I am finally going to understand these lessons.
The Tower is a beautiful card that I have always interpreted as a huge chance for change and new beginnings. The Tower may be falling and crumbling to the ground, but with that destruction comes a brand new foundation, a level playing field for you to use to build up on. I realize that I am happy to let some of these past issues finally crumble.
I feel the relief of letting them go, thanking them for what they have taught me about myself, and the tenacity I have now because I have lived through them. We think that we have to suffer in this life… and that is just so NOT true. That’s a huge lesson for me. We think we have to endure as much pain as possible, and that’s not true. We create our lives by what we think and how we feel about ourselves… and that’s a huge part of my new foundation.
The card in Tarot that follows The Tower is one of my all time favorite cards – The Star.
The Star is a card that is full of blessings. It is the presence of divinity, saying that you are supported by all the wonderful things that you love, all of the people that you love. It says that The Universe, God, the powers that be acknowledge you and that you are lined up with that powerful and loving energy. The Star is living in the light. It’s the new foundation that we build after the Tower has fallen. It is the light at the end of the tunnel, the realization that after every ending is a beautiful new beginning.
I have built my life and I am the one that decides where I want it to go. I am the one that clung to those painful belief systems for the past three years, way longer than I had wanted.
They are old, and they were accumulated from several decades of my life before 2014… but I had never fully released them. That changes now. The Tower has fallen and taken those old pains with it. Now I am left standing in the light with greater understanding, powerful lessons and deep appreciation for what I have lived and what I will continue to create.
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