On the surface, I look like a pretty happy person. I have a wonderful life, children and a husband that I love, and that love me unconditionally. I have happy animals, a sweet and comfortable home. I have food in my belly, medications to keep me healthy. I have family around me, friends who love me, and that’s all just the tip of the iceberg.
So why then have I been yelling and crying and coming very close to banging my head against a wall when I feel indescribable anger, resentment, guilt, shame and blame welling up in my body?
Where is this coming from?
What is it?
Where did it start?
What can I possibly do to get rid of it?
I have 2 little girls at home and above all things, I want to lead them by my example.
Sometimes though… mommy loses her sh*t.
There’s no other way to explain what happens when the feelings comes up, the yelling is on full volume and I feel the grip of anger shaking me to my core.
It’s usually just little triggers. A few days ago my oldest daughter spilled Elmer’s glue on my Tarot cards. An accident. A true accident that she felt horrible about. I’d asked her not to go in my office, and she didn’t listen… and so there we were.
But what is the anger?
Why is it so strong and why does it happen over such little silly things?
I was doing a reading for a friend the other day and we talked about my own anger issues. I could feel her compassion over the phone as we both shared our experiences and began to question what is actually going on inside.
I think… the anger is self anger. It’s not about the glue on the Tarot cards… it’s anger at me for feeling a lack of control. It’s anger about WANTING to control. It’s my ego driving the crazy train off a cliff in my head, blaming everyone around me, yelling, kicking and screaming and then having the audacity to turn the blame right back on myself for losing control. I realized I’m actually angry at myself for feeling such anger.
So then it snowballs.
How do we work with this?
The only thing I know of… is introducing love. And not the kind of love that comes from a “wise husband” who knows that some unexpected roses might be a kind gesture. That’s external love and it’s not always sustainable. The love I need, the love we all need is… self love.
Love for the self.
Love for the woman who flew off the handle when the dishes weren’t done ‘her way’. Love for the one who had a fit of rage in front of the little ones… even though you’re trying so damn hard not to lose it… but you did. You have to love that person. You have to look at yourself and not condemn. You have to learn to love you and accept where you are, what you’ve done, and know that in actuality … you are still perfect.
You are a human, I am a human. We make mistakes. And sometimes if we’re wise enough, we catch the mistakes and we go in and try to reroute the trajectory we’re on. We don’t have to fly off the handle, but if we do, we’re usually (hopefully!) surrounded by people who will forgive us.
And they’ll model what we need to give our self.
We have to forgive.
I have to forgive.
I have been kicking the crap out of myself for many weeks now and I’ve created quite the battle field in my head. First I blame the ones around me for triggering me, then I yell at them, then I yell at me for yelling at them. And now I have to allow the forgiveness, the love – to penetrate in and soothe all of these battle scars.
This is a pretty open confession I’m sharing with all of you… and I know that I’m not alone. I’m actually quite certain that I’m in good company with MANY others who feel the way I feel.
This is part of life.
There is not a person on this planet right now that couldn’t use a bit more self love, or a bit of compassion, or some internal forgiveness.
We’re all in this together my friends.
Let’s let love in.