For several weeks I have been battling a cold that has manifested into a full blown sinus infection. Last week, over the phone, my mother advised that I should head to urgent care and request an antibiotic for this one. Moms know best and I took my sweet time listening to her advice. Then on Monday when my co-workers were encouraging me to take a trip to the doctor, I finally listened.
I filled a script for a 5 day antibiotic (one that I’m thankfully not allergic to!) picked up some groceries and began to drive home.
As I sat in the car, my worries began to surface. I may appear to have my life together but usually… just below my emotions I’m ready to fall apart. I like to fall apart in the car and vent to the voice recorder on my iphone.
Earlier that day during my lunch break I pulled a few Tarot cards. The one that was supposed to be current tense was a favorite of mine… The Strength card. This card is a powerful reminder that strength is internal and more importantly, it’s all in your head. I am the one thinking my thoughts… no one else. When I decide to worry, or belittle, or assign shame to myself – it’s me. And although in actuality I’m full of Strength – at time my thoughts are weak.
I listened back on my heartfelt voice recording and was able to piece some major themes together. The doctor treated me for a sinus infection… impacting my clarity, my ability to breathe and flow, my head full of congestion and pressure. So much pressure that I had been dealing with chronic headaches for well over a week. I was literally creating some of the same physical ailments with my thinking.
I had been worrying myself sick about work, about finances and about my family and our health. I had been blaming myself for things, feeling shame and guilt about where our money was going and criticizing myself to pieces. I will be the first person to tell you that this type of thinking is crippling. Shame serves no one. Guilt is useless. Criticism is debilitating and does nothing to help any situation we find ourselves in. And these were the thoughts that were going on in my head. My thinking wasn’t strong… my thinking was full of worry and fear. My head was congested with the poisonous thoughts that were clogging up my mind.
As well as the Strength card appearing in my reading earlier that day, the Tower card showed up as well. At first glance, the Tower card concerns me.The card is always about sudden changes, upheaval, possible disasters and uncomfortable situations. However… I’m trying to remind myself of the importance that comes with this card. I have even written about it in the past. The Tower is a catalyst for life changes and I know that.
Imagine an old building, a big old factory maybe that is full of crumbling walls, bricks, unsafe floorboards, exposed wires. Realize that once upon a time, this building was beautiful. Once upon a time it served a wonderful function and it was helpful to those who inhabited it. But now it’s unsafe. It’s not reliable. It may be hard to look at, and it’s definitely hard to be in. Now I see… this Tower card is what has been going on in my mind. Insight has been flashing into my head for many months now, that I do not have a very kind inner dialogue with myself.
I worry about money. I beat myself up over it. I tell myself how little I contribute, how unstable my income feels, how much I’m letting myself and my family down. I tell myself these things and wonder why those are the experiences I’m seeing around me.
I criticize my parenting. I get short with my children, then I beat myself up and doubt my ability to be a good mother. I tell myself how selfish I am to need time for myself, how a good mom should act and how much more I need to sacrifice for my family. So then it manifests all around me.
I doubt my capabilities as a writer, a Tarot adviser, a Life Coach, a mom, a partner. I question it all because of what is happening around me. But what is happening around me is only the product of what is happening INSIDE of my mind.
Our thoughts create our world.
As we think, so shall we be.
So the Universe is delivering me exactly what I’ve been saying in my mind.
The Tower card appeared because the Tower needs to fall. This structure, these thoughts, they need to be destroyed and finally put to rest. They are not safe, they are dangerous. They need to be changed, they need the upheaval. There is no benefit to this crumbling structure, these limiting self beliefs to be standing any longer. Not for me. Not for ANYONE. No one will ever benefit from self sacrifice, self depreciation or self criticism.
Later that night I pulled one last card from my deck. Sure enough the card was Death.
It made perfect sense. Clarity was coming and it wasn’t just from the antibiotic. It was coming as I pieced together my shattered self talk. I have doubted myself for so long, and although sometimes I flow beautifully and am full of confidence, often I am afraid of my own gifts. I realized that the Death card was coming in to encourage me to end this chapter. This card is all about putting the past behind us. We realize that we are where we are because of our lives… and I have to say that some of the critical thinking surely served as a catalyst to better things in my life. But I’m learning now that I want to learn from a loving place. I want to take my experiences and use those as the platform in which I help myself and hopefully those who seek my guidance. I look at my past and see the negative self talk… and I honor my ability to make peace with it. It was painful and still is at times, but it is also what has brought me to this place I stand in now… hoping to move forward with more confidence and faith in myself.
So many of us struggle daily with negative self talk and painful self images. It’s just what we were taught. But it doesn’t have to be how we move forward. If you are reading this, hopefully you are growing and understanding how valuable you are – as I am reminding myself now too.
I’m happy to share, my congestion is lifting and so is my spirit.