Becoming

For a very long time I have been a student if you will. A closet case student, hungry for humility. I banged my head up against the wall at the thought of not being able to teach. I sat in the dark for most of this year, frantic as I was presented with lesson after lesson, slowly but surely breaking down my beliefs – to the bottom of the barrel bare bones. 

I saw death many times. And the tears now choke me inside… coming to my eyes.

Graciously, I thank them, for their lessons in time. I thank them for coming in my dreams at night, to help me understand that it’s not what it seems.

I sit with death as I let that part of me, She – honor her as a distant memory.
Allow her to be now – who She is truly.
Death is transition in actuality. 

I sat so many times in uncertainty. 

I sit there now but I know differently. 

I was shown the way to forgiveness – and after several missed attempts, I finally stepped into the beginning stages.
And in my sleep, I woke with this dream “I sometimes blame myself for… ”
Like pieces of sand falling out of my hand, the blame for me, and him, and them, fall softly out onto the wind.
Tears from those who hold me close and love us unconditionally… “forgive yourselves” they whisper softly. 

Forgive and set them all free.

I realize now that I have been in school, all this time and that’s why… No One ever came banging down the door, asking me to help them fly. No One was looking for my guidance because I – I was unable to help at the time. I can’t possibly give to them if I don’t have for me, the things I teach so adamantly. I cannot possibly help when I’m in training too. It’s time to wake up and become. It’s time to share and see. It’s time to shed light on the dark that I saw, far more than just the past seven months. 

It’s time to become a new me.