In the sleepy hours of the morning, between tears and confusion, self soothing myself toward comfort – I try to find clarity. I have seen many material things, including the house I was renting come and go over the past few months. I am now, along with my dear husband, 2 children, 2 cats and 2 dogs making the best of about 300 square feet of living in a camper – but at least we own it.
I try really hard. Maybe trying really hard is my problem. Maybe I’ve been trying too hard. I don’t know. My husband tries really hard too. He was laid off from his job in May and has been avidly searching for work that means something to him. He has endured levels of survival that I will not ever fully understand.
I have home schooled my children since March, all the while doing as much freelance work as I can to help our family income. I have tried to be an upbeat person, optimistic wife and momma and hold true to the person that I am, and the dreams that are so close by.
It has not been an easy year, most of us will agree about that on many levels. Myself included.
However, as I lay in my bed at 3:33 am tossing and turning… I realize that it’s me.
I am the one that created this “mess”.
What I’ve come to realize is that —
You can run but you can’t hide. As within, so without. What you think you are, you are. That which you fear has befallen you. If you think you can, or think you can’t – you’re right. She believed she could, so she did.
Everywhere you go, there you are.
The struggles in my life have cycled over again and again and again. To the point where I want to, at times, bang my head into the wall to get the cycle to finally break. But it’s not going to break, because the cycle is not on the outside… it is me, in my belief system, creating more and more of the same thing.
I can look around this strange world that we are living in these days and see that there are choices. There is a choice to be happy in a 300 square foot camper, to learn the art of living with less is more, to play outside more, to use less, to waste less, to have freedom from material things; or I can fall victim to this new found lifestyle.
It’s my choice what I want to see.
Sometimes we are obsessed with a situation, an expectation, a desired outcome. We run and chase the carrot, we hold it in high regard and when we finally land where we have always dreamed, our dreams crumble and fail to meet our standards. The job isn’t what we thought it was, the people were cruel and unkind, the house starts to fall apart, and we are left wondering where we went wrong yet again.
Again I say,
Everywhere you go, there you are.
These days I feel very unstable, insecure and uprooted. For good reason if you look at the outer world I’m living. But the point of all of this is that my outer world is not going to stabilize until my inner world does. That means… I can house hunt and move, I can beg employers to hire me, I can try and try and try some more to get my outer experience in shape the way I think it should be – but if in my heart I am deeming myself bad, lazy, unworthy or wrong, or ‘not enough’… then those beliefs will prove themselves to me a million times over.
As within, so without.
It’s up to me, at the end of the day; not to hit the bricks and send resumes flying through the air…
It’s up to me to change how I see myself. It’s up to me to believe in myself and to know my worth. It’s up to me to talk KINDLY to myself and to others. We are all our own worst critics after all. So it’s time to stop that. It’s time to believe in myself and my dreams and to KNOW with certainty that it is already done. There is nothing to prove. I am and have always been deserving of all the good that I want to see.
We will never enjoy these lives if the voice in our head is telling us how awful we are, focusing on the injustices of the world around us is, the people or the places or the experiences. We will fall victim to that voice and victim to the outside time and time again.
We are here, living life to learn to enjoy it. It is in fact, normal and natural to enjoy life!
Every single one of us is here for that purpose.
We are here to learn to find our inner joy, to honor our selves and in so doing, we find the outer joy. In our knowing, in our deserving, in our SELF LOVE, we see love and compassion in the world around us.
This is the work my friends. I tell you because I have been mastering this lesson for years and years of my life. I tell you from my own life experience. I tell you because when the gentle voice in my head takes over, things start to shift outside. As within, so without. This is a truth. This is what I know.
Try it for yourself.
You can do it.