With Love, From Luna

It’s a weird acknowledgement to me, Halloween is over, it’s November.
November goes fast. December is the end of the year. January will be here soon.
This year, my 10 year old daughter has asked that we celebrate Day of the Dead and I am very much on board with her request given the events of the past few weeks.

My husband and I had to make the difficult decision two weeks ago to put our dog Luna down. We’ve been in this place before – in 2020 our first dog, Ludo, made his transition. It was time – but the process was painful… until it became a bit more revealing and spiritual.
Luna’s passing has been similar.

When Ludo passed it was obvious to us that it was his time to go. He could no longer stand or walk and weighed about 100lbs.
On his last night with us, I went to the grocery store to buy him a steak, for his last meal. I walked into the store, and the song ‘Sara’ by Jefferson Starship was playing on the radio. I overheard the lyrics
“Sara, Sara, storms are brewin’ in your eyes
Sara, Sara, no time is a good time for goodbyes”
I walked to the back of the store to the meat department and tried to keep my tears under control.

The next morning, we hired a (very!) kind vet to come to the house and deliver the euthanasia in the comfort of our home. I had my Pandora radio playing when the vet came, and I paid attention to the song that was playing when Ludo passed (Joy, by the band Bastille). Now every time I hear that song, I know it’s my boy saying hello.
Before Ludo died, I told him very clearly… “If you come back to us, you make sure I recognize you!” He was a big, beautiful mahogany red Malamute.
Several months after his passing, Ludo came to me in a dream, and told me a very specific name. This name lead my husband and I to a breeder. This breeder had a beautiful mahogany red momma Malamute pregnant with a litter of puppies. We weren’t fussy, we just wanted a boy.
This momma dog had 3 puppies; 2 girls, and 1 mahogany red boy.
We’ve had Apollo for a bit over 2 years now, and everything in me says he is Ludo who came back to us.

But do we really know anything for sure about where we go – when we go?
Two weeks ago when it was Luna’s time, we did the same as we did with Ludo. A wonderful vet kindly came to our home to help us. I had Pandora music on in the background. Jeramie and I lay on the carpet that Luna had taken over for her naps, stroking her soft fur, tears streaming gently. When she took her last breath, I looked up to see the song that was playing and couldn’t believe it.
The song was called Wolves by the band Down Like Silver – and Malamutes look very similar to Wolves.
The lyrics are:

When I die, let the wolves enjoy my bones
When I die, let me go
When I die, let the wolves enjoy my bones
When I die, let me go

When I die, you can push me out to sea
When I die, set me free
When I die, let the sharks come ’round to feed
When I die, set me free

Oh, the world is dark
And I’ve looked as far as I can see
When the years have torn me apart
Let me be

When I die, let the flames devour me
When I die, set me free
When I die, throw my ashes to the breeze
When I die, scatter me

Oh, the world is dark
And I’ve looked as far as I can see
When the years have torn me apart

Let me be
Let me be
Let me be
Let me be

Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you
Daylight is waiting for you

I don’t have to declare to anyone that the appropriateness of this song playing when our dog died in my arms was astounding.

Since Luna passed she has sent messages and signs to me on a pretty regular basis.

The next day, I was sipping my coffee in our empty feeling house. The cats were with me, and I voiced out loud to them, “wouldn’t it be nice if Luna sent us a cardinal, just so I know she’s around…” There are many people that feel cardinals are symbols of angels and reminders from loved ones who’ve passed, that they are around.
I went about my day and went to work. Later I got a phone call from my husband checking in. As he and I were on the phone, he laughed and told me he had to go and to stand by because he wanted to send me a photo.

Lo’ and behold, a cardinal was sitting inches from our window at our bird feeder.
That night I stopped into the pharmacy in town, and was greeted by a massive wooden sign for sale. It read “When Cardinals appear, angels are near.”

The next day, during a difficult moment, I was feeling especially sad (and a bit hungry!). I went to grab some food at a nearby restaurant. When the cashier told me my total, $11.11 – I tried not to giggle. The number 11 11 is said to be an “angel number”. If you see it on a license plate, or the clock, they say to “make a wish!” because angels are near.
I took my $11.11 receipt and felt my girl again, trying to plug to me that she’s okay, and I will be too.

But probably the most profound thing that has happened… took place just over a week ago.
Most nights, my husband and I tuck our daughters into bed and put on bedtime music, or sometimes sleep meditations for children. We did that on this night.
Afterwards, I went into my room to curl up in bed and write in my journal. I put in headphones and turned on Pandora. I was writing about Luna – and in a way TO Luna. I was apologizing to her. I felt a heavy grief, guilt, and doubt. Did we do everything we could have done to help our girl? Should she have been on more medications to prolong her life? Did we make the right decision to let her go when we did? Did we give up on her too soon? I wrote about this and tears began to fall.
Then, Pandora put her song on for me.
The tears fell harder and I stopped writing and just listened.
It felt like she was telling me it was okay to let her go. I listened to the lyrics of “Wolves” again and when the song ended, I turned off my light and fell asleep.

3 hours later I woke up to the sound of my insulin pump alarm going off. My blood sugar was dropping and I needed to get something to bring it up. I shot out of bed, foggy and barely awake. But when I got up, I heard loud talking in my oldest daughter’s room. I remembered putting on a meditation for her, but the talking was so loud I thought she must be up playing on her tablet! I walked into her room to turn the device off and tuned into what was being said. It was a woman speaking, telling a children’s story… and these were the words she was saying:

“And you can tell Luna now feels pure joy in her heart – to remember where she comes from. Because she flies even faster and higher – spinning and dipping and soaring about, with happiness. And she tells you of the changes of the ages. And she was sent down to bring peace and harmony to Earth.”

I was confused and a bit shocked to say the least at what I was hearing. How was THIS what was playing? I paused the recording and went back to listen to it the next morning. YouTube had played the entire meditation track I had put on for my daughter at bedtime, then played the next random track automatically. What I was listening to was a bedtime story about a Dragon named Luna… but what I walked into the room and heard… was a profound message that MY LUNA, is happy, and joyful and lived a beautiful life with our family.

Death is abrupt.
The moon shaped hole that is in my house since Luna’s passing is hard to hold. But everyday I am reminded that she’s not gone. She is subtle. She is the song lyrics on the radio. She’s the beautiful face I sometimes matrix walking through the woods. She’s sleeping on the rug in the middle of the kitchen, and I habitually tiptoe around her. She’s the faint rainbow forming in the clouds as I drive home, and the vibrant shooting star in the night sky. She’s in my youngest daughter’s dreams. She’s pushing the kitchen door open, telling her that she’ll be back home with us soon. She’s here – and when I am peaceful, she gets through. She’s teaching me to be more subtle and to fine tune to what is happening around me.

Remember all of the joy, it summons the “dead”. Look at the photos, feel the warm tears, they cleanse a broken heart.
But above all, remember – they are right here.
We just have to ask.