Chasing

We tell ourselves it will be different this time.
Just let me get a better career – and I SWEAR… that will change everything.
Or the house.
Or more money.
Let me keep distracting myself with all of my goals.
But goal setting, dreaming, isn’t that a good thing? Aren’t we supposed to do all of those things?
Well… yes.
In moderation though.

For several months, before bed I have been keeping a journal of my day. Gratitude, successes, and a dream recall log. Even though I have so much, and aspire to move forward… there’s a part of me that feels numb. I found myself surrendering in just a few short sentences.

“God. My prayer now – and going forward – help me hear YOU. Help me feel who I really am.
Please.
Nothing else matters.”

There have been times in my life, especially over the past decade or so… that wisdom came soft and subtle, like that evening prayer. The realization… we’re here to learn to reconnect with our Self. We’re here to go back, to remember, to be who we really are.

But we’re human, and we like drama, and we can spend the majority of our life reeling and spinning and constantly striving to make one more thing happen. And that’s usually when the illness sets in, or the pain in our body makes it so we can barely move, or our energy is so depleted, then that small voice that we ignore whispers – “will you slow down now?”
It’s up to us to answer that question.

I have dreams. And goals. And to-do lists acres wide. I have projects and things I’ve been meaning to get to and things I want to experience. We all do. And I’m not saying that those things won’t happen, or that we should ignore them.
I’m just saying…
I found myself in posession of it all. And I found myself sad and numb. The paths were in front of me:
Keep chasing the stuff outside – OR
Start listening to the quiet wisdom inside.

I know I’ll be wise for moments of today, and listen. And hopefully I’ll begin to listen more. But I know there will be carrots laid out, and I’ll chase them again… and again, I’ll remember the lesson.
Stop chasing.